What have I become because of what I consume?

I can see myself changed in these past years, more after short form content was introduced. I was bearish when TikTok came because of lip sync & other cringe videos (that is what I thought of those type of videos), so I didn’t use it But reels came & it changed everything.

I used to be a kid who would study and write and read for hours, but now my attention span is cooked. But some videos had helped me as well.

For mr right now, content I consumed had major effect. I am not able to let go of my past because of self-destructive content that I watched which prompted loving once & never forgetting them, or romanticised remembering someone you once loved forever, and not just short form content, Bollywood is also pushing this. I don’t know how good this is for me, but at this point this behaviour of mine feels like licking would & keeping it alive just so I can feel something.

Another part of me had got to know about different philosophy. I got to know about absurdism, stoicism, existentialism, learned about power, politics and what not. I was type of guy who read self help port just to be performative (idk at that time felt life changing stuff), to really liking philosophy & non fiction (to some extent).

I used to be a guy who would explore everything he found interesting, to now.. saving everything for later & rarely opening those again. I’ve become a hoarder now.

Really, feels like I am just collecting list of books to read, reels I sent to my dummy account, article links sent to personal phone, bookmarked tweets and what not.

I used to be happy, I had my dopamine levels very low, so low that small wins used to make me happy, but dopamine levels have risen, so It has gotten harder to be happy.

I truly don’t know who am I, when I think, it comes into fragments like changed music taste, changed taste of clothes, lifestyle. I am influenced easily & acquire taste or buy stuff easily from the content I consume. I’ve become MESS.

Originally published on Substack.